Why are there boundaries? 

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Artwork:Solo by Kevin A. Williams

Why are there boundaries? To..keep..us… stagnant? To keep us in line? To keep us? I think back to years ago in high school (I can literally say years ago because my 10 year reunion is coming up in July smh) all these “journeys” I would go on to find myself. To center myself, to find some type of connection that I knew was missing. My living situation wasn’t the best. I mean, I had parents. I had what any child needed. It was just a bit more complicated than what this post needs to be about. In high school you had to kinda learn to ‘fake it till you make’, pick at yourself before anybody else could. Beat them to the punchline so at least you could laugh with them. The typical bullshit. Behind closed doors was something different. Something that’s not easily picked up on. Since the complications of my little life began so early, the issue of accepting this delicate, petite, beautiful body became a nightmare. Nausea would set it. The reflection became torturous. A young woman in her early twenties can’t bare the sight of herself? There are certain milestones everyone must hit when it comes to understanding oneself. Currently reading this book “Towards Awakening” and the letters etched into my skin just make me relive and realize that you must question everything. I mean everything. I had body issues, how do you solve the fight between mind and body? You push the boundaries of your comfort zone and begin to live freely. I hated what carried my spirit, what carried my heart. I couldn’t figure out how to love my body. I can’t even say how to love my body again because the innocence was never there. There wasn’t a chance for innocence. So from the dirt left behind I had to find a way to come clean. A way that allowed me to begin on my own terms. It was the day I really took ownership of myself. Took ownership of my sexuality. My body. My art. My life. It was my declaration that I want my body. I want to love my body. I want to feel body. I want to be ok with living in my body. So I made a very bold move, a very out of the comfort zone move and became art. I posed in front of 25 art students without any bondage, without any material, just me. My face, my body it was written all over, I was no longer ok with living so ashamed, so scared, and so unforgiving towards my body. Everybody heals differently but the goal is always to heal. I sat there on a crème colored chaise and remembered feeling like Rose when she posed for Jack on the Titanic. My body became art. I became me. I was there naked and unafraid. I was tired of the boundaries. So very tired. The day I turned my body into art was the day I realized you are your thoughts. Your thoughts are your boundaries, push yourself and watch what you become. Stop limiting yourself. You are beautiful.

My acceptance speech. 

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Artwork: Garden Thriving, 2016, Njideka Akunyili Crosby

It was hard in the beginning. Figuring out which pieces fit where and how they fit and why do they fit so well and are there more to these pieces than what is on the surface? Questions upon questions, trying to understand the process of thought and over analyzing every little thing is what drove the wedge the first time. And you stop to think, well maybe there’s another method, another way to approach this situation. There has to be. There always has to be more than what meets the eye, right? Right, “the unexamined life is not worth living”- Socrates. He had a point to some degree. It’s too late to try and dispute that which is  stated with his words etched in ink on skin. I think you loved running your fingers over it and asking me why I decided to go with this and not the Shakespeare quote about the mirror and reflection. It was a lot more words and when the decision was made it fit the life that was being lived at that moment. Isn’t our lives’ based off of moments that makes us feel alive? Is that not how we judge, or for better words, assess the value of our lives? I think there are moments with you that I wouldn’t care to share with anyone else even when I complain about you. Even when I sit and bitch to a night sky about all the ways this can be done and or that should be done or why you don’t care to do any of it, even in those moments of frustration the vision is still clear. I told you about my estranged relationship with asking for clarity, right?  But what is clarity if the mind is unable to recognize? Reflect on what is the point of asking for what you don’t even want?  What’s the saving grace? Falling back on prayer is what saved a lot of us. It saved me. The clarity was more for understanding who I am as a woman in this relationship but I prayed for clarity to see you. Because that’s what we do. We focus more on the other persons flaws instead of our own so when we fail the fingers can be quickly pointed. I’ve failed many of times at being the woman you deserve. At times I look at you and can’t believe this is what you want. Me.  Not because of some faulty self-esteem but more so just disbelief that you are able to still see me. I worry a lot about making and taking the next steps toward aisles and rings and all that other stuff. I just want to make sure I’m ready, I barely made it here. It’s been hard just trying to adjust to this, to us, to the fact this needs to take priority over my selfish ways, over your selfish ways. It’s not been an easy path to stay straight on. The lessons in love teach you more about yourself than it does about the actual relationship. I’ve finally arrived at the concept of acceptance. Please don’t add more. Let’s enjoy the development of this progress before we add another layer. I take you for who you are because you are not me.  You are not expressive and constantly in dire need of touch. You allow me to be me in my own space with no questions. You don’t place these expectations on me the way I do for you. You’ve accepted me because I am not you. The reciprocation has been difficult for me. I just got to this point. I get it now. Kinda. Let me show you how much I’ve grown and we can come back to previous topics. Thank you for staying. Thank you for teaching me. 

 

Time. 

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The amount of time in a day should be motivation to get as much as you can get done. From the rise of the sun to the stars in the sky, even then there’s still time left. My whole approach since starting my grad program is how much time management can I actually exercise throughout my days. I work roughly 8-9 hrs each day, at this point 7 days a week, each job. Although with my fulltime job I’m so passionately invested in it that it aint even about hours put in, I just want to make sure my families have all they need for these kids. The goal is to feel some sense of completion. Remember I stated about making sure to give yourself credit even for the very small things you’re able to do? Continue that mental exercise and prosper. I like to go to the gym, spend at least 45mins there and then still be able to come home and do my school work. Having my day end around 11pm, by the time my head hits the pillow I go over all that has been done and feel accomplished. It’s almost a rush to prove to myself that there’s so much I can do just within a day. What started this thinking was not just starting grad school but a conversation I had with my boss. He’s a bit much but pretty damn inspirational and he doesn’t even know it. We have had conversations on why the caged bird sings. There’s passion. There’s intelligence. There are many levels to this man. He can even do my weave because he’s has his braiding license. Hell, he went to cosmetology school. He’s a white guy, who’s a Alpha from the backwoods of Mississippi and has had the oddest jobs I’ve ever heard of like chasing chickens, but I’m from the city so I don’t expect to hear about jobs like that. Anyways, the conversation is the main focus here. I asked him one day something and he ends up telling me about his coaching and how he’s trying to start up a new facility and I just looked shocked and confused. I responded to him and was like how many jobs do you have? And his response was I mean we are here for a little while, what else should I do with my time? And I was flabbergasted. I mean legit blown away because I never once stopped to think about that. It’s a natural thing to think time is on our side. It’s that invincibility, that the world is mine mentality. Not that it’s a bad thing to feel as such, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to view time as a good friend of yours. I think just be mindful and treat your actual relationship with time as tenderly as possible because just like friends, time can change. I guess I just want to be as productive as I can possibly be. It sounds cliché, almost childlike but what else am I to do with my time..? 

What other ways is there to spend the time allotted?  

Look, I’m just out here trying to make the best life for me and enjoy as much of it as I can. 

Midnight lovers. 

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Written: November 16,2013

It’s the sensuality. The way you cup my breast and fill your mouth with my body. How freely your hands roam to places the candlelight cannot find tonight. The inhales. The gasps as newer places are discovered. The laughter shared as we venture off to this place we’ve been so many times before. Light kisses against my neck expresses your need for me. Those whispers define our departure time. The heat rises, my hair is everywhere and you encourage me to just let go. Let go of every inhibition, every doubt and concern and just work your body and follow the rhythm. How easily I forget about how self conscious I really am as my titties bounce and the sound of sticky flesh fills the room. I love the scents we create. The noises. The moans of desperation as with each stroke I can feel how bad you needed to get away tonight. It’s never about the positions. Or how fast or slow we can go. It’s about the chemistry and understanding that we experience every time we’re naked;body and soul…. 
Until next time my lover… 

I’ll say a little prayer for you… 

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Written: July 16,2013

Appreciation in the most sincere form is beautiful. 
Too much trust I put in people. 
Because I believe in people. 
The good in people radiate, have you ever noticed? 
In a world full of cruelty and sadness, have you ever noticed the ability that some people posess to still be able to smile and bring joy to others? 
We can’t always focus on the negativity in the world. 
This world was never ours to begin with. 
The closer I get to reconnecting with my faith, the happier I’m becoming. 
It’s the most fulfilling feeling I’ve ever experienced. 
I radiate and my spirit can be felt. 
I can’t and will not apologize for believing in people the way I do. 
I remember praying and asking the most high to allow me to see the good in people. 
I remember praying for a change in my spirit. 
Ad soon as I opened my heart and my mind, this world, this life became clearer to me. 
It’s hard to get here, I understand but I pray one day that you’ll too get to experience this unconditional love I have. 
This compassion. 
This appreciation for those who still manage to keep smiles on others faces amidst the world’s tragedies. 
I still believe in people.

Whole heartedly. 

It’s just a little crush… 

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Written: August 30,2013 

There’s something so innocent about having a crush. Something so magical. I think it has to do with how childlike a person feels. The occasional butterflies and nonstop goofy smiling. It feels so easy. So free. And when they come around how suddenly your feet or your mouth don’t work properly and you feel like you’re under a spell. They can do no wrong, well they can but you justify it. It’s just simple. Nobody can take that away from you. Not the way you feel or the light in which you’ve placed your crush. No matter how high of a pedestal they’re on, nobody can take that. And I think it’s amazing how strong ahold a crush can have on us and it alters our way of viewing such simple things. It’s like having a crush allows us to show affection privately and that act alone is sufficient enough for our world to continue spinning. You understand what I am saying? We love to give affection and we especially love to receive affection, and a crush allows us to release our feel-good chemicals, endorphins, that aids in our daily worldly perspectives. That magical part is how genuinely good we feel, just a word from the person and our day is perfect. 
I enjoy participating in such childlike activities, it’s sweet.
And right now, I’m crushing hard but I don’t want to say too much yet because I like the distance, for now. 
:-)