I have flowers growing from my head. 

Standard

It’s a fear of being alone. I can see how some women just settle for whatever comes next. I honestly can finally see it. You feel like time is running out and everybody is wasting your time, so you just go with second best and hope that it keeps you happy and sustainable. I hate the feeling of being afraid that no one is gonna love me. It’s very isolating especially when it’s happening all around you except to you. Now, I actually do have a man in my life. Been with him for almost 2 yrs but it’s been a very lonely 2 yrs. and we have so many issues. Our biggest one is kids. I want them. He doesn’t. It’s heartbreaking. You find a man and begin to fall and the world becomes a softer place… And then…. It’s no longer what you imagined. I hate it. It hurts. Nothing changes. Days go by and feelings just fade because no matter how hard you try to be optimistic, it’s very rare that a man changes his mind. 

And sometimes I ask myself, why stay? 

He provides a certain type of comfort I suppose, knowing that I have a man there and who loves me in his own way. I honesty just couldn’t even give an explanation. 

And I always feel like this. 
Like I’m settling. 

There was a man I was so crazy about. I mean just head over heels, melt in his hands crazy about. And it felt good. I felt young and alive and full of love. I wanted to give him every last drop of me. I wanted to fill his life with joy and love and laughter. And show him a side of life and love that so many men just don’t get to see, sometimes. 

I was crazy about him. 
But he just didn’t want me. 

And it’s hard to be a woman and explain how a man can give you such sensations by not ever really do anything. But we’re women. We romanticize everything. The time. The emotional investments. The kisses. The stolen moments. The late phone conversations till 3am and be so tired at work the next morning. The drives. All the listening to his dreams. Trying to be there for him. To show him. To prove to him. That you are worthy of his love. 

It’s sick. I get it. 
But certain people spark that in you. Ignite the sense of urgency to love them quickly before they destroy theirselves. Before their mind destroys the last images of a beautiful love. 

We are women and that’s just what we do. We nurture. And protect. And heal as much as we can. To a point where we find ourselves empty. And lifeless. And dry. 

And that just reassures my fear. My panicking phases of being alone. Alone in love. Alone in life. This life ain’t meant to be experienced alone. 

So the settling part I completely understand. Gotta get whatever you can take because sometimes what you truly want just ain’t it for you and time is running out. 

Time has been running out since we left high school. 

Welcome to dating in your mid twenties while you’re at your peak with ovulation. 

Enjoy.

Written November 14,2015

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