Crazy. Stupid. Love. 

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I am watching this movie and smiling. Like full on smiling because I still believe in love. I love love.I know you’re not supposed to worship or put the one you love on a pedestal. Never make them larger than life. Love them humbly and fully. Yea I get it. I am aware. I am also aware that although you will never experience love the way you did the first time, but when you meet someone that sparks that flame all over again, how can you not feel like the world has been rebuilt from the ground up? How can you not feel the earth shaking you to your core and reminding you that although it’s never as good as the first time, damnit, it’s still just as beautiful. I think I can write about you for the rest of my days, a love that escaped because fear existed. I watched a video today on the topic of fear and it moved me. It moved me to the memories of believing in the fear-less woman, in the fear-less man. The speaker introduced their fear of sky diving, the anticipation, the anxiety, the disbelief in the agreement to do such an activity but pushing through because you want to stick to your word no matter the butterflies fluttering. We work ourselves up so much only to realize there was nothing to fear from the beginning. The conversation flowed and by the end I was brought back to my days where loving you ruled. I loved you from a distance but I wish I would have loved you closer, had I been allowed to. Fears. We are getting older and I remember listening to old folks describe their loves and their regrets, wishing they had feared less in love. In life. In existence. I wanted to be your teacher of love and of life, and I put so much pressure on these thoughts that i forgot that there are plans bigger than mine. I only wanted to a woman of substance that taught the man she loved how to love. Maybe somethings just don’t work out for reasons we can’t see. I never thought about the possibilities for a soulmate to be someone I was supposed to help remember on a love I knew existed many lives before. I thought we were supposed to just recognize each other, through a kiss, through stories, through something other than a chase. I’m not saying this man is my soulmate, I’m just stuck on connection we made over 5years ago. I know you’re not supposed to put anyone on a pedestal but I was going through my pictures and I saw that I tried to recreate a picture you sent to me years ago. I smiled. It’s a sad smile though, thumbing through the memories.  I just remember wanting to love you….

Artwork: Etreinte III by Camille Alazet 

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