Artwork: Garden Thriving, 2016, Njideka Akunyili Crosby
It was hard in the beginning. Figuring out which pieces fit where and how they fit and why do they fit so well and are there more to these pieces than what is on the surface? Questions upon questions, trying to understand the process of thought and over analyzing every little thing is what drove the wedge the first time. And you stop to think, well maybe there’s another method, another way to approach this situation. There has to be. There always has to be more than what meets the eye, right? Right, “the unexamined life is not worth living”- Socrates. He had a point to some degree. It’s too late to try and dispute that which is stated with his words etched in ink on skin. I think you loved running your fingers over it and asking me why I decided to go with this and not the Shakespeare quote about the mirror and reflection. It was a lot more words and when the decision was made it fit the life that was being lived at that moment. Isn’t our lives’ based off of moments that makes us feel alive? Is that not how we judge, or for better words, assess the value of our lives? I think there are moments with you that I wouldn’t care to share with anyone else even when I complain about you. Even when I sit and bitch to a night sky about all the ways this can be done and or that should be done or why you don’t care to do any of it, even in those moments of frustration the vision is still clear. I told you about my estranged relationship with asking for clarity, right? But what is clarity if the mind is unable to recognize? Reflect on what is the point of asking for what you don’t even want? What’s the saving grace? Falling back on prayer is what saved a lot of us. It saved me. The clarity was more for understanding who I am as a woman in this relationship but I prayed for clarity to see you. Because that’s what we do. We focus more on the other persons flaws instead of our own so when we fail the fingers can be quickly pointed. I’ve failed many of times at being the woman you deserve. At times I look at you and can’t believe this is what you want. Me. Not because of some faulty self-esteem but more so just disbelief that you are able to still see me. I worry a lot about making and taking the next steps toward aisles and rings and all that other stuff. I just want to make sure I’m ready, I barely made it here. It’s been hard just trying to adjust to this, to us, to the fact this needs to take priority over my selfish ways, over your selfish ways. It’s not been an easy path to stay straight on. The lessons in love teach you more about yourself than it does about the actual relationship. I’ve finally arrived at the concept of acceptance. Please don’t add more. Let’s enjoy the development of this progress before we add another layer. I take you for who you are because you are not me. You are not expressive and constantly in dire need of touch. You allow me to be me in my own space with no questions. You don’t place these expectations on me the way I do for you. You’ve accepted me because I am not you. The reciprocation has been difficult for me. I just got to this point. I get it now. Kinda. Let me show you how much I’ve grown and we can come back to previous topics. Thank you for staying. Thank you for teaching me.