There are some mornings when i wake up and I’m just like blah. What more can I complain about today before 10? What else must I nitpick at to prove that everything is wrong? I’m tryna isolate myself but it’s hard when you got other people who need to vent and deal with their problems too. It’s Saturday morning and I’m listening to the birds chirp at my window. I don’t like waking up feeling like this, feeling like I’m ready for the world to end. I am at peace with the world ending. I read the news every morning. Deal with some heartbreaking gruesome shit everyday. Listen to the same stories everyday. Shed tears almost every day in disbelief that I wasn’t the only one growing up with a monster under my bed. The problem is I don’t know what to do or how to fully process all this information. It just sits there. Waiting. The longer it sits there, the heavier it becomes and the more weight i have to carry once i figure out what to do. I would like to runaway. I was thinking Miami today but I rather not. The drive, the money and it’s no guarantee that it will make me feel better. I have a paper still to do and I am beyond myself at this point. Yesterday I barely spoke at work. I barely wanted to talk. Really felt no urgency to do anything but sulk and wallow in despair. What despair? The despair of never finding an end to what we are constantly facing.
But here’s an idea… maybe try making the best of your situations? How about that? Or, how about to accepting the shit and keep it moving? Or, even better, stop reading the gotdamn news, get you a job in retail and sell some clothes and make people look somewhat decent.
All good ideas but I rather wallow in my despair. It just feels good on a Saturday morning with the sun shining right through my window and the birds are chirping.
It feels good to wake up sad. Makes one question everything and makes living just that much more fascinating.
How are you navigating through your life’s trials and tribulations my dear?
I woke up feeling light. Airy almost. There was a feeling of freedom. Like suddenly I can walk away, break the chain. It was a feeling of peace, almost. Like there was a song in my soul and if I had opened my mouth this morning, I would have sang like the birds from Cinderella. Have you ever woke up like this? Like a battle was won last night? You felt victorious rising this morning. Nothing can touch you today. There was a moment last night that I felt a calming come over me. It blanketed me. Covered me. Held me and wrapped me up, and I was ok. A gentle hand of reassurance that things will be ok. The tenderness in the hand, I felt the sincerity. Energy was passed last night and for the first time in almost two weeks I was able to sleep. My mother thinks I quit fighting. For my happiness. For my peace. She’s worried that my spirit is under attack. Sunday night when I came home I opened my bible and the verse that I began reading “the enemies have pursued my soul” my hands began to rise and it was as if something was pulling me. I wanted to stop reading it… But I couldn’t. Things have been felt, have been a little off. I’ve been weakened and I’ve been tormented. At night you can hear it. The noises. You have to be able to understand that there are things that are beyond us redirecting what the Most High has placed for us. Beyond us are energies. Strong currents of power. And at times the spirit will be tested. Yes I am under attack at this moment, but have I stopped fighting? I’m still here. Still able to write about it. Just make sure your faith is strong. I mean, strong. There are some battles you just can’t lose. And when you feel you can’t fight alone, or you need help… Beyond us are energies. Strong currents of power. Just open your mouth and begin to ask for help. We’re never brought this far to be left alone. I hope this reaches somebody this beautiful morning. Have a wonderful day.