Why don’t we trust our bodies? What is so wrong in just listening for once? Listen to the way the rhythm decreases. Listen to the body and how it begs for freedom. Are you free? Do you feel free in this? I think this has been something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself enough to be ok with decisions when it comes to the matters of the heart. So I make mistakes. And I smile and drift into this facade that somehow, magically things will work themselves out. That the universe understands what’s really needed and what’s really meant for me and somehow, someway I will receive what is coming my way. But, how? If the fear is bigger than the belief, what gets accomplished? What’s the deciding factor that now is the time to move? Are you really free? Every bit of my being says no but my mind is fixated on making lemonade out of apples. Everything says no. But I continue on. And I keep fighting. I keep going as if I have something to prove. As if I am to prove my body wrong. To show that I am capable of suppressing and repressing and formatting and editing myself to fit the likes of another. To finally show that I,too, can be a soft woman of love and submit easily to a man who may not be enough for me. I can lie down and quiet myself for love. I am proving this to my body so that I can move forward with the knowledge that I am able to love monogamously. There is ability in my being to give unselfishly and diminish parts of myself for stability. For security. In the name of a progressing relationship, I am here ready to sacrifice essentials of my being for your love. For you, because I am tired of running around in circles looking for a love that probably doesn’t exist. A love where compatibility and stability coexist as a unification of a passionately intense loving relationship. And I say all that to say…. I’m not even happy. And I have to wonder, why am I even fighting myself?
I just love writing. I love to write about love making. I love to write about love. Struggles. Faith. Patience. Relationships. Affairs. Lovers. The rise and the fall of life and love. There’s so much to learn through words. Through experiences. I write to live. I write to love. I write for passion and romance. I write for him. I write for me. I write to always remember. I write to never forget. I write to document. I write to feel. I write to hurt. I just write. I just love writing. It’s everything to me. It’s an escape. It’s a fantasy. It’s realities. It’s a life outside of my own but it’s still mine. I write to make you feel. I hope I make you feel. Something. Anything. I write to reach. I write teach. I’m a writer. And I am so in love with the art of words.
I like to live my life with themes. It kind of gives a certain flavor to my life. It sets the mood: mentally and spiritually. It gives like direction. Allows for creativity to transpire in ways to own this theme. Encouraging and pulling forward motivation for my life, themes are fun, at least for me. This year the theme, a theme my best friend and I came to, is do what you want 2017. A few years shy of 30 and it’s only the month of April, this year has been a little more than do what you want. The concept is the same but there’s been so much more to this year. I am going to be 28 in a few months and literally two weeks ago I legit became an adult. Within the last two weeks or so I have had the most awakening-coming-to-terms that I am an actual adult experience. I mean honestly, I am not the most responsible person. I can prioritize and take care of the essentials, maybe I can work a budget and make an outline for an itinerary, throw fabulous Pinterest party but that might be it? My goodness, I learned last week about the importance of rotating my tires. It sounds like that should be common sense, like a second nature in maintaining a car. I do the routine oil changes and if they recommend brakes or something, I’ll get it done. Last weekend I had to get a crash course in rotors, resurfacing them, calipers and brake pads. This weekend I did my taxes and guess what I did impeccably well? I forgot to do some very important shit.. I owe about a grand. So now a phone call needs to be made come Monday to get something sorted out. It’s just that it’s only April. In February I had my first anxiety attack, in another country, alone. March, I almost bled out from a damn low dose of birth control, after telling my gyno I didn’t want to be on birth control I just wanted to not be so damn fertile because I’m Latina and my man is Haitian. Together we can make an entire village. So yea, maybe the year’s theme is just a tad bit incomplete when appealing to my life. Yes, do what you want 2017 but for Xandria, do what you want but make sure it’s within reason.
The moment his words covered me gently, I felt flowers blossom on the tip of my tongue and my heart opened. The tenderness of his words grabbed parts of me the light never saw and the sensation of him swallowed me whole. The first time is always the sweetest but will not withstand without action. Comforting that thought with an energy incomparable to any description I offer is why I pray the sun rises just see his smile. My prayers run deep for a man who’s offered me a beautiful friendship that I will nurture and tend to every flower we plant along this wall of distance we are facing currently. Days need to be soft and thoughts remain clear because what the heart wants should never be denied. I will be here to mend broken hearts. See, I made an exchange with the most high I gave myself to him in return that He touch the lives of those around me. So it’s ok. I pray to one day fall in love with you and keep you happy for you have given me something only my love in return would be a token of my gratitude. It’s a beautiful thing when you meet a man and he offers you sincerity instead of commercial fabricated notations of a love he doesn’t even believe in. I pray you find happiness in my words as I have find strength in yours. You have a beautiful soul.
Written: April 25,2014
I anticipate tiredness tomorrow. Fatigue. It’s thirty minutes to two and I’ve been counting the stars as they appear. Conversations shed by the light from the bathroom, nothing ever good comes at this time. We speak. We laugh. Nothing even matters in those moments. He asks what makes you feel alive and I can’t even say my honest truth. It’s complicated. Seriously. What makes me feel alive? I don’t know. You? Can I say you? Or is that too much pressure? Is it hard to understand what it means when I say you make me feel alive? I can live without you but if I had the option to, I definitely wouldn’t. I can manage a life without you. I can do a lot of things without you. But if it’s written in the way I pray for it to be, i won’t have ever have to feel the loss of you. It’s the energy from your words. The passion in your tone when you tell me you love me. When you whisper encouragement. From the way your eyes light up every single time you remind me how great I am. There’s sweetness and softness in your smile. There’s butterflies when you exist. How many ways can I be revived in one lifetime with just the presence of you? Phone calls. Face to face. You light up my world. That’s a lot of pressure for one person. What makes me feel alive? I don’t want to complicate anything. So instead I just reply: my writing. What’s safe to say is always easier to live with. I’ll give this up to maturity. I’ll face my heart in the morning.
Artwork: The Beneficial Promise by René Magritte, 1927. Oil on canvas
I love how we are pushing and motivating each other to get ready for our 1yr anniversary. This has been my best friend since I was 14. We are 27/28 now. Out here seeing each other naked and falling in love and shit. We pushing each other to get our health on track. Making better decisions money and food wise. I just love what’s becoming us. I’ve still been praying for us to grow spiritually and emotionally. Still asking/inviting the most high in our relationship. It’s tough sometimes. It really is. I mean it really is man. But somehow we are managing it. Taking each set back with a smile. We’ve always had each other’s back since we was young. Always. I’m glad this friendship has created a solid foundation for us because we are beautiful together. And it’s all love with this man. The only difference is he tryna make a baby and I’m tryna go to grad school lol. But I’m happy and so thankful for the love that’s still growing, for the happiness, for the support, for the love we have together. The most high knew what he was doin when he sent my man this way. And I will do everything I can to feed and nurture and love this man and relationship. There are days I want to give up, I promise. Some days I want something new to spark my interest. Something exciting and something that’s not my man, but that’s part of growing and maturing in a relationship and the actual relationship itself. I just pray to never stray too far that I am no longer able to see my man, to have sight in my man. I am learning, as a woman, as a lover, that the most dangerous thing you could ever do in a relationship is lose your vision. But I’m learning. And so is he. It’s hard. It’s worth it.