Sometimes moaning you’re name just isn’t enough when the moment is over. I want you to feel your name when I say it. There are times you really need to be here. Closed eyes and fantasies are no longer serving their purpose. I want the weakened flesh. I wish you were here….
The beauty of our relationships not only lie in the mistakes we make but in the way we handle the endings/beginnings. At least, I think so. When I look at them I remember why I believe so much in love and life. When I look at them I am remembering what love looks like, what love is and who love is. What pushes me and is what pushes them farther away from each other. So many parts of us wither away from the lack of understanding, the lack of compassion, the lack of foundation. I’ll always be the first to say I really don’t know much about shit, but, I do know many are living their lives as fools because holding on is always easier than letting go. Because when we let go, then what? What happens next? Is there a next? It’s the unknown that we all struggle with, all of us. But what fun is living life as a fool when you could lie your burdens down and be free? There should never be expectations when it comes to human behavior. Never. I think when it comes to teaching acceptance as a virtue, keeping in mind that fucked up shit happens, and how you move forward is your graduating ceremony. Whenever I look at them I am reminded of my favorite sci-fi movie “what dreams may come”. The movie of a man that loses his kids one day and dies the next day, only to have his wife commit suicide. But he speaks/lives through her paintings. He goes from heaven (because suicides go to hell, according to this movie) to save her from an eternity of hell but she doesn’t recognize him. It’s not until he begins to lose his mind that she begins to remember him. But it’s too late, his risked paradise to be by her side because he believed they were soulmates. In the end, he wakes up back in paradise with her next to him, he was brave enough to risk it all because he believed in their love. Do you believe in soulmates? I never did until I began to really watch them, watch them grow, watch them create and save each other over and over again. All the ways they would risk paradise for each other, I watched them become. Their eyes would light up and I’ve watched her speak life into him so many times, in so many ways. The revival of his spirit. The beauty in her being. The beginning of their love is always worth writing about. Their ending has been their best performance. With every great story, even the greatest formation of well-rounded, thorough characters things happen. Love fades and changes and regresses and hurts and sometimes love does the unthinkable. My parents are a modern day tragedy. Soulmates. Two fools living in a world without each other. Whenever I look at them I am reminded why “what’s next” should be the core of my marriage&family practice, because, what is next now that the hurts there. “What’s next” is the pillar to healing. Do we live this life alone or, should we attempt to be brave one last time and ask each other “what’s next”?
If I’m not sad enough, it never taste as delicious. The amount of sadness equates to the amount of love I need to put into my soup. This recipe came from a Pinterest page about a year or so ago. I was working long hours at the hospital and not tending to myself. Working to live and living to work. The mundane routine of the psychotic in a plain world. My world had nothing. Sadness and desperation to make sure I was able to take care of the roof over my head. The world was much simpler than as opposed to now. Simpler in the sense I had nothing to motivate me to want more. I learned that self love comes in many forms. I had only focused on selfies at that time for validation from a world that could careless about my dire need for survival. Self love came to me in the form of a kitchen, where I learned how to nourish myself the right way. I learned how to tend to myself, my needs, my emotional needs. I was careful in the way I cleaned vegetables and chicken. Tenderness playing a key role in being mindful of the cleansing. No need to rush. Be thorough and be gentle. I paid attention to the flavors against my tongue. I learned that love is created in the kitchen. And there’s nothing better than making sure you take care of love. This recipe came out perfect the first time. Coconut milk and red curry perfection. I mean, I even accidentally added in coconut cream and that mixture of sweet and spicy became everything to my tastebuds. And I learned that sometimes when you think you messed up, you find out new ways to improve yourself and your dish. The discovery in the kitchen helped better me when I lost myself on days where gray skies were never ending. Some days I just can’t manage the sadness. I cry and cry and cry some more, never able to pinpoint where all the confusion comes from. I credit my hormones most of the time. But making this soup makes me remember to center myself and put myself first. There are so many ways we continuously forget about ourselves through work, relationships and school, the back burner becomes a comfort zone and what’s comfortable is rarely ever changed. If it works, why fix it? But time is a teacher and later the body realizes everything ain’t meant to be carried. So the soup remains as a reminder for me, to take care of myself even on days when I would rather not. When I had nothing to push me forward, I learned that in the kitchen we can create magic and find something worth savoring…
Why don’t we trust our bodies? What is so wrong in just listening for once? Listen to the way the rhythm decreases. Listen to the body and how it begs for freedom. Are you free? Do you feel free in this? I think this has been something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself enough to be ok with decisions when it comes to the matters of the heart. So I make mistakes. And I smile and drift into this facade that somehow, magically things will work themselves out. That the universe understands what’s really needed and what’s really meant for me and somehow, someway I will receive what is coming my way. But, how? If the fear is bigger than the belief, what gets accomplished? What’s the deciding factor that now is the time to move? Are you really free? Every bit of my being says no but my mind is fixated on making lemonade out of apples. Everything says no. But I continue on. And I keep fighting. I keep going as if I have something to prove. As if I am to prove my body wrong. To show that I am capable of suppressing and repressing and formatting and editing myself to fit the likes of another. To finally show that I,too, can be a soft woman of love and submit easily to a man who may not be enough for me. I can lie down and quiet myself for love. I am proving this to my body so that I can move forward with the knowledge that I am able to love monogamously. There is ability in my being to give unselfishly and diminish parts of myself for stability. For security. In the name of a progressing relationship, I am here ready to sacrifice essentials of my being for your love. For you, because I am tired of running around in circles looking for a love that probably doesn’t exist. A love where compatibility and stability coexist as a unification of a passionately intense loving relationship. And I say all that to say…. I’m not even happy. And I have to wonder, why am I even fighting myself?
I would rather stay home and write for the rest of this day. I have so much to say. Mixture of hurt&still feeling ready for more of life. I had sex like a week ago and it was so good. Surprisingly good. I don’t remember the last time I felt the strong urge to keep someone here, just inside me. But sometimes we misread things. And it’s ok. Things happen. At the end of the day something was either gained or lost. You live to learn. I gained more writing material. The feelings are so strong. So very much still alive. You can’t just quit things when you feel like it. That’s why time is so crucial. So you ride it out and let your words mend broken bridges. It’s ok. Sometimes when I pray, I ask the most high to guide me and show me signs. Sometimes I feel the most highs presence and sometimes my prayers get answered. I pray for strength a lot. More than I used to. I gotta phone call the other day and the voice on the other end made my heart stop. “Brittany, don’t you love me?”I thought we agreed to live separate lives? Conversations of babies and remember that one night when we… The memories. Your voice. Here I am again. Empty promises and my heart in your hand. I asked you to stop. It’s been 3 yrs. You’re hurting me with your version of loving me. How can you? What am I? I hate questions. Because you have to ask them and it doesn’t matter if you already know the answer, to hear and feel and then to assume are all 3 very different sensations. Every now and then I lose control. I can’t deal with everything at once. It’s too much. I’m too sensitive. I would rather stay home today and just write. I need time to heal. But I have to work and smile for my patients. I would rather just stay home.
I really want to talk about the way you kissed me the other night. How you kissed me… I think that’s why I’m so overwhelmed. It’s trying to make things black and white and when shades of cream and ivory begin to appear, don’t you think it gets confusing what we’re asking for? Intimacy with no strings attached. I’m not downplaying causal interactions by no means. Are we not a few levels above just casual interactions though? I ask you to give yourself, freely. Every inch of you is taken and savored. My God, you’re beautiful in how willing you are to surrender to my selfish needs. Lines don’t blur when “I’m yours” sets sail in your ears? We set rules for clarifications. No misunderstandings. Guidelines to keep us inside lines. To keep from over reaching. Over stepping boundaries. Why do you think we have boundaries? Placing these invisible limitations on ourself and those in our surroundings in justification of comprehension. It’s easier to follow the rules and it just gets confusing when you break them. So when the tables turned and it was given back to me as if it’s my comfort zone I’m asking you to step into, the answer is yes, this is what will make me feel comfortable. This is what will keep me in line. This is what will remind me those lips are not mine. Applying the rules lets you know things can get messy. I like romance and passion, how many times have you not confused yourself in the lines of fire? I’m asking to only dance with these concepts, not to have realities form. What fun is reality for lovers anyways? It’s fantasies we feed. Just like the fantasy you fed me with your lips. All I could mouth was the word “how”. How are you so good at this? What do these intense kisses mean? Why are you forcing me to think deeper into your lips? Questions never amount to much in our world. We leave them there, unanswered. Forgotten. Because the moment these questions are asked, there lies the moment we break the rules and I begin to look for in ways you’ll never appear.
The key is to find the perfect combination of intimacy, companionship and love. A lot of us only got the companionship and love portion and forget just how important the intimacy is. It doesn’t matter if you and your partner are only intimate once or twice a week or twice a month. That doesn’t matter. What matters is the connection that you’ll make during those intimate moments. How it lingers in the brain. On the body. On the lips. How it makes you feel afterwards. The desire. The lust. The fulfillment. I think we forget to still lust for our partners. To still find ways to seduce them and make them feel sexual and sensual, not just sexy. There should still be somewhat of a fantasy world for you and your partner. There should still be an escape. The trick is to find how to create and keep those alive. I still want to be this sexy sexual woman and still raise your kids. Still find time to make dinner. Still be able to do the things that made you fall in love in the first place. What they haven’t added in that triangular formation of what the actual “healthy” relationship should consist of is, contentment. What I mean by that is, the focal point is just solely on the the fundamentals of the relationship not taking into account the stagnation that many relationships reach. Relationships arrive to that place too fast and too often, where there’s no motivation or no desire to want to change things. There’s excuses and resentment building up, communication is just thrown out the window because what’s going to change? How do you chase someone out of contentment? You shake them up a bit. You stir the pot. You become clever in your ways to make them pay attention. And if you can’t pull them out or grasp at them in a way to wake them up…. then be an adult and have an affair for once.
Don’t do that. It’s hard to pull them out. I am aware. I am currently aware. It’s frustrating dealing with contentment. But it’s work. It was work to get the relationship here and it’s going to be more work to make the relationship work. I wish I had more answers. I wish there was a “build-a-relationship” app that I could make sure my top 3 priorities were actually included in the relationship.
What a lot of us have is just the friendship and companionship. Why do we try to deny just how important the intimacy part is? Someone answer me. Until then I guess I’ll just be… here.