Apple lemonade?

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Why don’t we trust our bodies? What is so wrong in just listening for once? Listen to the way the rhythm decreases. Listen to the body and how it begs for freedom. Are you free? Do you feel free in this? I think this has been something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself enough to be ok with decisions when it comes to the matters of the heart. So I make mistakes. And I smile and drift into this facade that somehow, magically things will work themselves out. That the universe understands what’s really needed and what’s really meant for me and somehow, someway I will receive what is coming my way. But, how? If the fear is bigger than the belief, what gets accomplished? What’s the deciding factor that now is the time to move? Are you really free? Every bit of my being says no but my mind is fixated on making lemonade out of apples. Everything says no. But I continue on. And I keep fighting. I keep going as if I have something to prove. As if I am to prove my body wrong. To show that I am capable of suppressing and repressing and formatting and editing myself to fit the likes of another. To finally show that I,too, can be a soft woman of love and submit easily to a man who may not be enough for me. I can lie down and quiet myself for love. I am proving this to my body so that I can move forward with the knowledge that I am able to love monogamously. There is ability in my being to give unselfishly and diminish parts of myself for stability. For security. In the name of a progressing relationship, I am here ready to sacrifice essentials of my being for your love. For you, because I am tired of running around in circles looking for a love that probably doesn’t exist. A love where compatibility and stability coexist as a unification of a passionately intense loving relationship. And I say all that to say…. I’m not even happy. And I have to wonder, why am I even fighting myself? 

Home. 

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Written: December 12,2015 

I would rather stay home and write for the rest of this day. I have so much to say. Mixture of hurt&still feeling ready for more of life. I had sex like a week ago and it was so good. Surprisingly good. I don’t remember the last time I felt the strong urge to keep someone here, just inside me. But sometimes we misread things. And it’s ok. Things happen. At the end of the day something was either gained or lost. You live to learn. I gained more writing material. The feelings are so strong. So very much still alive. You can’t just quit things when you feel like it. That’s why time is so crucial. So you ride it out and let your words mend broken bridges. It’s ok. Sometimes when I pray, I ask the most high to guide me and show me signs. Sometimes I feel the most highs presence and sometimes my prayers get answered. I pray for strength a lot. More than I used to. I gotta phone call the other day and the voice on the other end made my heart stop. “Brittany, don’t you love me?”I thought we agreed to live separate lives? Conversations of babies and remember that one night when we… The memories. Your voice. Here I am again. Empty promises and my heart in your hand. I asked you to stop. It’s been 3 yrs. You’re hurting me with your version of loving me. How can you? What am I? I hate questions. Because you have to ask them and it doesn’t matter if you already know the answer, to hear and feel and then to assume are all 3 very different sensations. Every now and then I lose control. I can’t deal with everything at once. It’s too much. I’m too sensitive. I would rather stay home today and just write. I need time to heal. But I have to work and smile for my patients. I would rather just stay home. 

Lovers rules 

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Artwork: Isabel Munoz 

I really want to talk about the way you kissed me the other night. How you kissed me… I think that’s why I’m so overwhelmed. It’s trying to make things black and white and when shades of cream and ivory begin to appear, don’t you think it gets confusing what we’re asking for? Intimacy with no strings attached. I’m not downplaying causal interactions by no means. Are we not a few levels above just casual interactions though?  I ask you to give yourself, freely. Every inch of you is taken and savored. My God, you’re beautiful in how willing you are to surrender to my selfish needs. Lines don’t blur when “I’m yours”  sets sail in your ears? We set rules for clarifications. No misunderstandings. Guidelines to keep us inside lines. To keep from over reaching. Over stepping boundaries. Why do you think we have boundaries? Placing these invisible limitations on ourself and those in our surroundings in justification of comprehension. It’s easier to follow the rules and it just gets confusing when you break them. So when the tables turned and it was given back to me as if it’s my comfort zone I’m asking you to step into, the answer is yes, this is what will make me feel comfortable. This is what will keep me in line. This is what will remind me those lips are not mine. Applying the rules lets you know things can get messy. I like romance and passion, how many times have you not confused yourself in the lines of fire? I’m asking to only dance with these concepts, not to have realities form. What fun is reality for lovers anyways? It’s fantasies we feed. Just like the fantasy you fed me with your lips. All I could mouth was the word “how”. How are you so good at this? What do these intense kisses mean? Why are you forcing me to think deeper into your lips? Questions never amount to much in our world. We leave them there, unanswered. Forgotten. Because the moment these questions are asked, there lies the moment we break the rules and I begin to look for in ways you’ll never appear. 

Relationships 101: the fundamentals 

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The key is to find the perfect combination of intimacy, companionship and love. A lot of us only got the companionship and love portion and forget just how important the intimacy is. It doesn’t matter if you and your partner are only intimate once or twice a week or twice a month. That doesn’t matter. What matters is the connection that you’ll make during those intimate moments. How it lingers in the brain. On the body. On the lips. How it makes you feel afterwards. The desire. The lust. The fulfillment. I think we forget to still lust for our partners. To still find ways to seduce them and make them feel sexual and sensual, not just sexy. There should still be somewhat of a fantasy world for you and your partner. There should still be an escape. The trick is to find how to create and keep those alive. I still want to be this sexy sexual woman and still raise your kids. Still find time to make dinner. Still be able to do the things that made you fall in love in the first place. What they haven’t added in that triangular formation of what the actual “healthy” relationship should consist of is, contentment. What I mean by that is, the focal point is just solely on the the fundamentals of the relationship not taking into account the stagnation that many relationships reach. Relationships arrive to that place too fast and too often, where there’s no motivation or no desire to want to change things. There’s excuses and resentment building up, communication is just thrown out the window because what’s going to change? How do you chase someone out of contentment? You shake them up a bit. You stir the pot. You become clever in your ways to make them pay attention. And if you can’t pull them out or grasp at them in a way to wake them up…. then be an adult and have an affair for once.

Just kidding. 

Don’t do that. 
It’s hard to pull them out. I am aware. I am currently aware. It’s frustrating dealing with contentment. But it’s work. It was work to get the relationship here and it’s going to be more work to make the relationship work. I wish I had more answers. I wish there was a “build-a-relationship” app that I could make sure my top 3 priorities were actually included in the relationship. 

What a lot of us have is just the friendship and companionship. 
Why do we try to deny just how important the intimacy part is? 
Someone answer me. 
Until then I guess I’ll just be… here.

Why do you write? 

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I just love writing. I love to write about love making. I love to write about love. Struggles. Faith. Patience. Relationships. Affairs. Lovers. The rise and the fall of life and love. There’s so much to learn through words. Through experiences. I write to live. I write to love. I write for passion and romance. I write for him. I write for me. I write to always remember. I write to never forget. I write to document. I write to feel. I write to hurt. I just write. I just love writing. It’s everything to me. It’s an escape. It’s a fantasy. It’s realities. It’s a life outside of my own but it’s still mine. I write to make you feel. I hope I make you feel. Something. Anything. I write to reach. I write teach. I’m a writer. And I am so in love with the art of words.

Before the sun. 

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There are so many things that we can do. We can create. We can destroy. We can divide. We can collide. We can combine below horizons. Following the dotted line with our tongues. We can kiss and laugh in between. We can intertwine our legs and fingers. We can make patterns with our lips against skin. We can guess which words escape as moans in our ears. My favorite thing we do is melt into each other. The pressure becoming overwhelming, hands searching for something to grab. We can push the limits of our bodies and enjoy. It’s such a freeing experience when you and I are under waterfalls. Hushed words and closed eyes heighten the senses. The formation of warmth and togetherness is exhilarating underneath sheets. We can count the many times we begin and fall with the number of kisses against necks. We can find different ways to say each other’s names. We can introduce new languages into the softness of thighs. We can do so many things before the sun rises. 

Documentation on the self. 

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I’m really beginning to appreciate the documentation of my thoughts. Like I can literally see myself fighting myself in words. The actual visuals really give perspective to where the mental breakdown lies. It’s amazing. I’m amazing. To watch the self battle the self is an art form in itself. Like I am trying to be someone I just ain’t. But I’m still trying. Fighting against what just comes natural to me. Am I going to be one of those women who finally realize who they are at age 35? Because if so, I ain’t with it. It’s just not ummm appealing to me? Does that make sense? I had this man that I was so in love with constantly talk down to me because I wouldn’t comment on his self growth the way he wanted me to. “Oh you’ll understand when you’re my age” or “you don’t understand because of your age”. It was like his only rebuttal to anything he brought up. The same weak sentences really didn’t bother me. I mean what should someone say on another’s growth? I’m going to comment and give you my thoughts on your inner self? Listen, whatever you find enlightening or progressive in any thought patterns you have I only want to foster that growth. Not hinder it with words you may find to be not as supportive as you expected. We are all very sensitive when it comes to our personal growth. Some want kind words. Some want to boast on how expanding their inner self is so freeing. While others appreciate the silence in which they grow. I had to keep mentioning “baby it ain’t about age, I’m just listening”. Sometimes that just ain’t enough for a man who wants to be applauded for every brilliant thought he comes across. I get it. But it’s subjective to think it has to do with age. We all go through a lot. We all change. We evolve. What you may go through in your early thirties, someone may have gone through in their late twenties. I don’t hinder nor do I expect growth from people. I simply just encourage.  Time does not stand on its own, it only matters what you do with the time. Words should be built in the form of ladders to help others step higher in their lives. Maybe that’s what he missed. What he thought I couldn’t comprehend turns out he overlooked what my words were trying to build. Sometimes people really just do not know what they want. And that’s fine. Completely fine. It’s perfectly fine to not know what you really want. Just don’t think another person can’t understand your excitement for your own personal growth because of their age. That’s ridiculous. But I digress. We’ve all loved a fool or two in our past lives, right?

I guess the point I’m trying to make is I hope you see the potential in your personal growth. It doesn’t matter if the next person can’t see it. They don’t matter. You matter. The growth matters. And if you ever want to talk, I’m a really good listener. 😊