Diary entry: 10/16/17

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It’s been jazz all evening. The skies changed and the tempo stayed the same. Deep melodies playing from a third story apartment with the balcony doors wide open. I guess I’m tryna erase a few memories tonight. Do you remember that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Certain scenes replay themselves and I can’t help but think maybe they were really on to something. I hate the way you preoccupy my daily thoughts. How I think of softer ways to tell you my desires. It’s terrible when we can’t get what we want, don’t you think?

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Diary entry: 10/15/17

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Because I alone am not able to replicate your abilities nor your performance, I am left in agony tonight. Why do you give so much when we’re engaged? Is there something that the lips are forbidden to say? Must I continue to read what’s written against my thighs? I want to be nothing more than simply yours. Why can’t you see this? I’ll halt on another journey of pointless words with you this evening, I am a lover but I am no fool. I should have called this morning but what good would that be if I’m still alone at night?

My lover, I am tormented. Come save me.

Diary entry: 10/11/17

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Photographer: Michel Perez

I just need to stop. Un-learn the desire to want, to want for more. Detaching from the notion that the sweat accumulating between sheets somehow correlates to the intensity of more than lust. We are no more than our selfishness. No more than the flesh we wear. We are no more my sweet, sweet lover.

Diary entry: 10/10/17

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Photo information: Anais Mali in “Bienvenida, Cuba” by Benny Horne for Vogue Spain, March 2016.

Anything I can do to keep my mind off of it. Working overtime. Writing overtime. Drinking till I can’t hold back. Drinking till my words mean more to me than ever so I bite down to keep them from spilling. I’m doing whatever I can find to keep my mind off of it. Sitting in a car outside of my yoga class trying to find my center in a 2009 Mazda 3 with the music thumping. I’ve always liked a lot of bass in my songs, so the windows are shaking and I’m trying. I’m trying not to think of why I feel the need to keep explaining to ears that won’t listen why I need to keep my mind off of it. A lot times nothing ever makes sense and we keep moving. We move through life hoping to connect the dots. The last time I made a connection I used my tongue. What are we doing again? Is this feeling good to you? I’m tormented. I’m focused on making sure to keep my mind off of it but you’ve been with me all day.

I’ve bit my lip twice reminiscing on the excitement of pain.

Why do we live this way?

Diary entry: 7/17/17

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Artist: Serge Marshennikov

We are becoming reckless. And careless. Gifts. Morning kisses. Missed punctuations. What are we doing? How are we going to explain this? We knew this should’ve been us from the beginning. Why are we always so scared to ask for all that we want? This is no longer about just chemistry, no, this is about the recklessness in our actions. How terrible can two lovers be when nobody wants to leave?

I think we are reaching our limit.

Diary entry: 8/18/17

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I will never not be convinced that something was there. At least more should have been explored. The idea of leaving was never enough during our time, but it was dangerously weighed. Do you ever wonder just how beautiful we would’ve become in the openness of passion? The what if’s will forever preoccupy a wondering mind. I hope you sleep better than I do. You will always be the only man I think about with regret.

My lover.

The adulteress

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I should really be conducting myself better than this, being that I am practically a married woman, although everyone knows almost doesn’t count. But explain that to a man who comes from a home where love was never questioned. It’s hard to get a conditioned mind away from the concept of monogamy.

We met a couple years ago and I have not been able to get you off my mind, I mean even in my deepest thoughts you appear and I am excited, aroused and terrified. What does this mean for me? This is more than an obsession, you know that right? I communicate with you more than I really should but even when I want to stop I am tortured with the memories of our last evening together. I was so sore that morning but my body had no limits. The addiction, the moment you touch me, I swear my body comes alive and you wear me so proudly. I pretend to be timid so you can demand more of me, did you know that I love being told what to do? Sometimes I think I wrote you into existence, you’re just too perfect, my lover.  I am selfish for my desire of wanting to own you, of wanting you to only belong to me but my dear, I refuse to let go. The thought of another woman placing her lips where I’ve been so many times and not appreciating or relishing the deliciousness of you on her tongue, really brings forth a jealousy I didn’t think I had before our bodies were introduced. You need to be appreciated, in every manner and usage of the word.