I believe the word I am looking for is: tiieeddd


There are some mornings when i wake up and I’m just like blah. What more can I complain about today before 10? What else must I nitpick at to prove that everything is wrong? I’m tryna isolate myself but it’s hard when you got other people who need to vent and deal with their problems too. It’s Saturday morning and I’m listening to the birds chirp at my window. I don’t like waking up feeling like this, feeling like I’m ready for the world to end. I am at peace with the world ending. I read the news every morning. Deal with some heartbreaking gruesome shit everyday. Listen to the same stories everyday. Shed tears almost every day in disbelief that I wasn’t the only one growing up with a monster under my bed. The problem is I don’t know what to do or how to fully process all this information. It just sits there. Waiting. The longer it sits there, the heavier it becomes and the more weight i have to carry once i figure out what to do. I would like to runaway. I was thinking Miami today but I rather not. The drive, the money and it’s no guarantee that it will make me feel better. I have a paper still to do and I am beyond myself at this point. Yesterday I barely spoke at work. I barely wanted to talk. Really felt no urgency to do anything but sulk and wallow in despair. What despair? The despair of never finding an end to what we are constantly facing.

But here’s an idea… maybe try making the best of your situations? How about that? Or, how about to accepting the shit and keep it moving? Or, even better, stop reading the gotdamn news, get you a job in retail and sell some clothes and make people look somewhat decent.

All good ideas but I rather wallow in my despair. It just feels good on a Saturday morning with the sun shining right through my window and the birds are chirping.

It feels good to wake up sad. Makes one question everything and makes living just that much more fascinating.

How are you navigating through your life’s trials and tribulations my dear?


What’s the problem if nothing’s missing. 


There’s nothing missing. Everything that needs to be checked off is checked off. Love. Support. Emotional stability. Longevity. What’s most important is all that’s given. Nothing is missing. So how you do explain the urges to still want to step out just for a night or an afternoon? How do you explain still wanting another warm chocolate body against yours? That it’s nothing that you’re doing wrong but this is how I am. It’s hard to explain or justify the insatiable desires for another. It’s nothing internally. If I could have it all I wouldn’t want more, Sade taught me that. I’ve come to a point where I, as a very in tuned very in touch with my sexuality type of woman, that it’s not about the substance of what’s given. It’s about the physicality of the moments shared. I love the man I am with. I adore him greatly. But it’s not about that. It’s nothing the depths of my love because in the same breath I can still whole heartedly say there are other bodies that I want to enjoy and what’s the rebuttal there? “How can you love a person but still want to be with someone else?” This is where this whole monogamy is but a concept, hence why I struggle so much. It’s not about the love or any of that. It’s not about how fulfilled I am. It’s just not. I’m not saying I want to be with more than one person emotionally because, let’s be honest, giving yourself emotionally to more than one person is just draining. Hell, giving yourself emotionally period is exhausting. Adding more parties is just crazy. But that’s just me. You’re always going to meet someone who sparks something different in you. I’ve just happened to meet very compatible sexual partners. Y’all already know my theory about sexual compatibility but because they are just lovers, we don’t view it on those terms. I’m not saying you have to jump at every new spark, I mean although your legs would look amazing because you’re so athletic now but that’s not what I am getting at. I guess I’m just saying I need that little bit of freedom. But it’s hard to explain that without ending up single.

So what’s the solution?

Sit in a corner and pray the urges away or you be an adult and have an affair for once, Jay-Z taught me that one.

What a life right? I just wanted to continue with my amazing sex life I had before this relationship. 
That’s really what it comes down to.

But I can’t.

So here I am, this very sexual woman trying to survive in a monogamous relationship. I am out of my comfort zone and it is really hard for me to adjust.

As if you couldn’t tell….

I’m learning. I’m trying. I really am. 



I like to live my life with themes. It kind of gives a certain flavor to my life. It sets the mood: mentally and spiritually. It gives like direction. Allows for creativity to transpire in ways to own this theme. Encouraging and pulling forward motivation for my life, themes are fun, at least for me. This year the theme, a theme my best friend and I came to, is do what you want 2017. A few years shy of 30 and it’s only the month of April, this year has been a little more than do what you want. The concept is the same but there’s been so much more to this year. I am going to be 28 in a few months and literally two weeks ago I legit became an adult. Within the last two weeks or so I have had the most awakening-coming-to-terms that I am an actual adult experience. I mean honestly, I am not the most responsible person. I can prioritize and take care of the essentials, maybe I can work a budget and make an outline for an itinerary, throw fabulous Pinterest party but that might be it? My goodness, I learned last week about the importance of rotating my tires. It sounds like that should be common sense, like a second nature in maintaining a car. I do the routine oil changes and if they recommend brakes or something, I’ll get it done. Last weekend I had to get a crash course in rotors, resurfacing them, calipers and brake pads. This weekend I did my taxes and guess what I did impeccably well? I forgot to do some very important shit.. I owe about a grand. So now a phone call needs to be made come Monday to get something sorted out. It’s just that it’s only April. In February I had my first anxiety attack, in another country, alone. March, I almost bled out from a damn low dose of birth control, after telling my gyno I didn’t want to be on birth control I just wanted to not be so damn fertile because I’m Latina and my man is Haitian. Together we can make an entire village. So yea, maybe the year’s theme is just a tad bit incomplete when appealing to my life. Yes, do what you want 2017 but for Xandria, do what you want but make sure it’s within reason. 

Artwork: http://society6.com/ElenaKotliarker/The-Passion-of-Flowering_Print