Why don’t we trust our bodies? What is so wrong in just listening for once? Listen to the way the rhythm decreases. Listen to the body and how it begs for freedom. Are you free? Do you feel free in this? I think this has been something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself enough to be ok with decisions when it comes to the matters of the heart. So I make mistakes. And I smile and drift into this facade that somehow, magically things will work themselves out. That the universe understands what’s really needed and what’s really meant for me and somehow, someway I will receive what is coming my way. But, how? If the fear is bigger than the belief, what gets accomplished? What’s the deciding factor that now is the time to move? Are you really free? Every bit of my being says no but my mind is fixated on making lemonade out of apples. Everything says no. But I continue on. And I keep fighting. I keep going as if I have something to prove. As if I am to prove my body wrong. To show that I am capable of suppressing and repressing and formatting and editing myself to fit the likes of another. To finally show that I,too, can be a soft woman of love and submit easily to a man who may not be enough for me. I can lie down and quiet myself for love. I am proving this to my body so that I can move forward with the knowledge that I am able to love monogamously. There is ability in my being to give unselfishly and diminish parts of myself for stability. For security. In the name of a progressing relationship, I am here ready to sacrifice essentials of my being for your love. For you, because I am tired of running around in circles looking for a love that probably doesn’t exist. A love where compatibility and stability coexist as a unification of a passionately intense loving relationship. And I say all that to say…. I’m not even happy. And I have to wonder, why am I even fighting myself?
The act itself is an art and with art, it’s open to any interpretations and understandings. It’s not one dimensional and this is your only option or this is the only way you can see it. It doesn’t work like that. The creation is meant to inspire. To stir. Bodies were made to explore. How does it make you feel? And then we build off that. And we explore. Dig deep. We converse. We begin to create. And I think that’s where we begin. The mistake is thinking that love making comes naturally. That’s not true nor is it fair, for yourself or your partner. It’s never about the love. It’s not about that. We need to become better readers. Better listeners. The root of the problem lies in the communication between lovers. The openness. The body’s ability to perform is based off the communication process. Pay attention to what’s said and how it’s said. You have to be able to understand your partner sexually and emotionally. Validation is necessary. A person’s sexuality is to be treasured and respected. There’s so much beauty in the art of sex, love making. So it’s not about love, it’s about, can you reach each other. It’s about what is behind those closed doors. Does it make you feel more than just an empty vessel for your partner to achieve their goal? Is there an effort being given from your partner even though the day was long and stressful? Or is this just a dead body hoping within 5 minutes the act will be over? Is there a connection? You can create a connection. It’s not a far fetched ideology when it comes to sexual chemistry.
I’m learning. I promise.
The key is to find the perfect combination of intimacy, companionship and love. A lot of us only got the companionship and love portion and forget just how important the intimacy is. It doesn’t matter if you and your partner are only intimate once or twice a week or twice a month. That doesn’t matter. What matters is the connection that you’ll make during those intimate moments. How it lingers in the brain. On the body. On the lips. How it makes you feel afterwards. The desire. The lust. The fulfillment. I think we forget to still lust for our partners. To still find ways to seduce them and make them feel sexual and sensual, not just sexy. There should still be somewhat of a fantasy world for you and your partner. There should still be an escape. The trick is to find how to create and keep those alive. I still want to be this sexy sexual woman and still raise your kids. Still find time to make dinner. Still be able to do the things that made you fall in love in the first place. What they haven’t added in that triangular formation of what the actual “healthy” relationship should consist of is, contentment. What I mean by that is, the focal point is just solely on the the fundamentals of the relationship not taking into account the stagnation that many relationships reach. Relationships arrive to that place too fast and too often, where there’s no motivation or no desire to want to change things. There’s excuses and resentment building up, communication is just thrown out the window because what’s going to change? How do you chase someone out of contentment? You shake them up a bit. You stir the pot. You become clever in your ways to make them pay attention. And if you can’t pull them out or grasp at them in a way to wake them up…. then be an adult and have an affair for once.
Don’t do that. It’s hard to pull them out. I am aware. I am currently aware. It’s frustrating dealing with contentment. But it’s work. It was work to get the relationship here and it’s going to be more work to make the relationship work. I wish I had more answers. I wish there was a “build-a-relationship” app that I could make sure my top 3 priorities were actually included in the relationship.
What a lot of us have is just the friendship and companionship. Why do we try to deny just how important the intimacy part is? Someone answer me. Until then I guess I’ll just be… here.
There are so many things that we can do. We can create. We can destroy. We can divide. We can collide. We can combine below horizons. Following the dotted line with our tongues. We can kiss and laugh in between. We can intertwine our legs and fingers. We can make patterns with our lips against skin. We can guess which words escape as moans in our ears. My favorite thing we do is melt into each other. The pressure becoming overwhelming, hands searching for something to grab. We can push the limits of our bodies and enjoy. It’s such a freeing experience when you and I are under waterfalls. Hushed words and closed eyes heighten the senses. The formation of warmth and togetherness is exhilarating underneath sheets. We can count the many times we begin and fall with the number of kisses against necks. We can find different ways to say each other’s names. We can introduce new languages into the softness of thighs. We can do so many things before the sun rises.
Made myself a big cup of coffee. It was struggle getting out of bed this morning. It’s always the same struggle. I just want to rub up against something warm and hard before beginning my day. I should have sent that text last night but I thought too much about it. There was a process I had to go through. In therapy we call it chain analysis and before I grabbed the phone, I grabbed my therapist. I have problems and I am beginning to think that maybe this is just who I am and it’s not about fear. Maybe my spirit needs to be free and this is suffocating. All last night the war between body and mind was constant. I’m tired of revisiting the notion that sometimes love just ain’t enough. It just ain’t. I’m tired of running back to the same thoughts of contemplation. What are we really doing at this point? How is the sea so smooth for you but constantly tossing me around? I don’t understand. It’s 9:30am and I’ve done one discharge. The coffee ain’t kicking in fast enough. I’m wasting time. Take that however it fits. I just hope I know next time things come around. The body never lies, I think that’s what is trying to be taught.
There’s nothing missing. Everything that needs to be checked off is checked off. Love. Support. Emotional stability. Longevity. What’s most important is all that’s given. Nothing is missing. So how you do explain the urges to still want to step out just for a night or an afternoon? How do you explain still wanting another warm chocolate body against yours? That it’s nothing that you’re doing wrong but this is how I am. It’s hard to explain or justify the insatiable desires for another. It’s nothing internally. If I could have it all I wouldn’t want more, Sade taught me that. I’ve come to a point where I, as a very in tuned very in touch with my sexuality type of woman, that it’s not about the substance of what’s given. It’s about the physicality of the moments shared. I love the man I am with. I adore him greatly. But it’s not about that. It’s nothing the depths of my love because in the same breath I can still whole heartedly say there are other bodies that I want to enjoy and what’s the rebuttal there? “How can you love a person but still want to be with someone else?” This is where this whole monogamy is but a concept, hence why I struggle so much. It’s not about the love or any of that. It’s not about how fulfilled I am. It’s just not. I’m not saying I want to be with more than one person emotionally because, let’s be honest, giving yourself emotionally to more than one person is just draining. Hell, giving yourself emotionally period is exhausting. Adding more parties is just crazy. But that’s just me. You’re always going to meet someone who sparks something different in you. I’ve just happened to meet very compatible sexual partners. Y’all already know my theory about sexual compatibility but because they are just lovers, we don’t view it on those terms. I’m not saying you have to jump at every new spark, I mean although your legs would look amazing because you’re so athletic now but that’s not what I am getting at. I guess I’m just saying I need that little bit of freedom. But it’s hard to explain that without ending up single.
So what’s the solution?
Sit in a corner and pray the urges away or you be an adult and have an affair for once, Jay-Z taught me that one.
What a life right? I just wanted to continue with my amazing sex life I had before this relationship. That’s really what it comes down to.
But I can’t.
So here I am, this very sexual woman trying to survive in a monogamous relationship. I am out of my comfort zone and it is really hard for me to adjust.
As if you couldn’t tell….
I’m learning. I’m trying. I really am.
It was everything last night to pretend I was there. In the moment. Enjoying it as much as him. It was everything last night. The scent of strawberries still lingered on my lips. Red wine is truly foreplay at this point. Sipping slowly and rubbing coconut oil into my skin. I am glowing in the candlelit room. My skin irresistibly tempting. Depending on the color of lingerie I decide, dictates the level I want to progress to. Black has always been a favorite, although red brings in the power trip. I took it easy in black last night. Dropped my robe and asked him to kindly look at me. Just look me. Tell me what you want me to do. Admire me in this lighting. I mean the scenery is amazing from the third floor already. Pink clouds in the background. My body in front of you. I just want to be your favorite piece of art. He’s shy, I know but sooner or later I am going to erupt and rip him to shreds and I don’t want to be shamed for being so sexual. So, I slow down the hunger and focus on his lips. Redirect the attention to him and remain at arms length. We move. We move at a steady pace until I can not suppress the appetite anymore and I begin to quicken the pace and beg for him. My pleas go unanswered. He’s so rude. He’s feeding me as much as he can but still it is not enough. So I close my eyes and pretend. I pretend my fantasies are my current reality and I can remember how you feel. How demanding the strength is to hold onto me. I am lost between two worlds but I so desperately want you to be here. I regain stability and just as I come back to life, my body tenses up. I am ready to give my everything to this man and just as I am about to flood…. he stops. He has arrived fully and I, once again am still a flower waiting to bloom in the middle of a warm spring afternoon.