The misery of absence

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Model information: https://www.instagram.com/p/BVdAcyDFgU9/

Burying my face in the bodies of other lovers in my futile attempts to forget you. Giving them pieces of me that are undeniably meant for you. I only want to forget the sensation but you are embedded in my flesh. Embedded in the memory of me. You are tormenting me whenever you are not here. The desire to be with my lover is growing but the desire is in vain. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of future dissatisfaction thinking about never having the chance to feel those lips. To kiss those lips. The obsession with the lips of my lover is feeding more into this gut wrenching sensation. Why does the lover who moves the body in such ways deny the openness of more than just a warm thighs? Why does it feel that nothing is ever reciprocated? I fall for you every chance that’s given and it’s involuntary, for I would have never decided to give myself in this way. But I miss you. I can’t deny that. To have been able to have this effect on me I am finding it hard to still convince myself that maybe we shouldn’t be meeting like this. Running over the minutes laughing in between as if nothing else matters. I could be full and still be unable to be satisfied from just one taste. What makes you envied is making me weak and I would rather find another way to live. Another way to be.

But I am still screaming out your name even in the presence of others.

Surely you want me back, lover. Because I still want you.

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I’m sorry, what was the question again? 🥀

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There are three pillars that lead to the death of a relationship: complacency, contentment and comfortability. Co-occurring with periods of emotional and physical neglect. The mind begins to preoccupy itself with other worldly things. No showers of compliments, no real acknowledgements of the woman before him. A lot of words beginning with the letter C and yet, nothing is in representation to the correlation of the woman cuming. I don’t know, maybe, just maybe, this is why I am here tonight. The other night lying there in bed and, there is an understanding in the inability to justify the actions that lead to me being here with you, but the body was limp and the flesh was ripe and sore. There is no real care to justify the natural desires of the body, the defense is pointless. So, what is expected of a woman who is bored? Tired of denying herself the rightful pleasures of enjoying every millisecond of an utmost pleasing orgasm. How many other ways can it be expressed that there are needs that are being ignored? Begging in silence for the touch of my lover, the aches begin. My lover has no idea what he does to me. Mi amante, dime qué quieres hacer conmigo esta noche. Mi vida, mi cuerpo te necesita…..The shame in looking at a garden in which no one cares to water and tend to anymore. The three pillars of death are present and I am asked if I’m ever scared to get caught. Caught? What is there to get caught with or of or from or what have you? You’re speaking to a woman who is trying to survive. The risk, that excitement, that satisfaction that my lover brings is worth it every time. Am I️ scared? Fear leaves the moment you accept that sometimes things just don’t change no matter how hard you pray or try. At this point, what is there really to lose?

Maybe there’s a misunderstanding, can you repeat the question?

Diary entry: 9/23/17

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Sunday morning blues. I dreamed of you last night. Reminiscing on conversations between breast and lips. I forget the actual language you speak, it’s on the tip of my tongue the way you wore me that night. It’s some island in the Caribbean, but the importance is irrelevant at this time. The bed is empty and it’s taking everything in me not to say I wanna share another Sunday morning with you. Certain memories are not imbedded in you the way are in me and I think that’s where our disconnect lies. The only time we really speak is when the hunger is no longer deniable and we feast on each other. You know, you really are delicious and I appreciate the back rubs when I’m enjoying you.

Life is sad sometimes, my lover. But we can’t ponder on the intangible.

As you have so effortlessly taught me.

I’ll always love the way you wear an afternoon sunset.

Love letters from the Tormented

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Think it was a quarter to three this morning, trying to get ready for work, the usual routine to begin a Saturday. Body barely able to maneuver itself from the left side of the bed. The Tiffany grey velvet chaise in the corner sitting there appearing lonely, empty. The lighting was giving it a soft silhouette against my pale creme colored walls. It never matters what time of the morning it is, I never want to leave the bed where you so selfishly had your way with me. The thoughts that fill the mind as soft curls descend upon satin pillows, man are we gorgeous together. Sometimes a smile appears across lips just in awe and disbelief. The topic of your complexion is my favorite subject. It’s total perfection. Utterly blissful to lay lips against. A few words were once spoken with promises to stay away. My lover, you are dangerous to a woman like myself…. The ability to reduce a woman of substance to nothingness lies in the most prized part of your being. The way words are written against the flesh, the forceful nature of screaming out the name of the man who moves mountains closer together so that the tongue can caress peaks in unison. The selfishness to the core of our bones is overpowering a sane mind to quit while she is ahead. Yet, I cannot fathom another night without the warmth of you between my thighs. I should feel guilty but I am overwhelmed as replays of tongue and erected flesh flash vividly against the darkness of an empty room.

Oh lover, you are more than just a dangerous man. You are the man who rules me and I cannot stay away from the man who’s lips are made of silk and honey.

Diary entry: 10/16/17

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It’s been jazz all evening. The skies changed and the tempo stayed the same. Deep melodies playing from a third story apartment with the balcony doors wide open. I guess I’m tryna erase a few memories tonight. Do you remember that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Certain scenes replay themselves and I can’t help but think maybe they were really on to something. I hate the way you preoccupy my daily thoughts. How I think of softer ways to tell you my desires. It’s terrible when we can’t get what we want, don’t you think?

Diary entry: 10/15/17

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Because I alone am not able to replicate your abilities nor your performance, I am left in agony tonight. Why do you give so much when we’re engaged? Is there something that the lips are forbidden to say? Must I continue to read what’s written against my thighs? I want to be nothing more than simply yours. Why can’t you see this? I’ll halt on another journey of pointless words with you this evening, I am a lover but I am no fool. I should have called this morning but what good would that be if I’m still alone at night?

My lover, I am tormented. Come save me.

Diary entry: 10/11/17

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Photographer: Michel Perez

I just need to stop. Un-learn the desire to want, to want for more. Detaching from the notion that the sweat accumulating between sheets somehow correlates to the intensity of more than lust. We are no more than our selfishness. No more than the flesh we wear. We are no more my sweet, sweet lover.