Diary entry: 10/15/17

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Because I alone am not able to replicate your abilities nor your performance, I am left in agony tonight. Why do you give so much when we’re engaged? Is there something that the lips are forbidden to say? Must I continue to read what’s written against my thighs? I want to be nothing more than simply yours. Why can’t you see this? I’ll halt on another journey of pointless words with you this evening, I am a lover but I am no fool. I should have called this morning but what good would that be if I’m still alone at night?

My lover, I am tormented. Come save me.

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Diary entry: 10/10/17

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Photo information: Anais Mali in “Bienvenida, Cuba” by Benny Horne for Vogue Spain, March 2016.

Anything I can do to keep my mind off of it. Working overtime. Writing overtime. Drinking till I can’t hold back. Drinking till my words mean more to me than ever so I bite down to keep them from spilling. I’m doing whatever I can find to keep my mind off of it. Sitting in a car outside of my yoga class trying to find my center in a 2009 Mazda 3 with the music thumping. I’ve always liked a lot of bass in my songs, so the windows are shaking and I’m trying. I’m trying not to think of why I feel the need to keep explaining to ears that won’t listen why I need to keep my mind off of it. A lot times nothing ever makes sense and we keep moving. We move through life hoping to connect the dots. The last time I made a connection I used my tongue. What are we doing again? Is this feeling good to you? I’m tormented. I’m focused on making sure to keep my mind off of it but you’ve been with me all day.

I’ve bit my lip twice reminiscing on the excitement of pain.

Why do we live this way?